Five Factors for Choosing a Spiritual Friend

Finding a spiritual Friend


We all have them but do we have a spiritual friend?

spiritual friends
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-That someone we sit down with from time to time who challenges us in our faith? Someone whom we trust with our secret thoughts and even goals – someone who will pray for us and check up on us to see if we have made any progress in our spiritual life.

“Accountability breeds response-ability.”

 — Stephen Covey

The best way to ensure that we continue to mature in Christ is to have someone that we are accountable to. Then when we begin to slip, there is someone there to steer us back in the right direction. I have found that when I tell someone my plans, it keeps me working toward that goal whether or not they ever challenge me on my actions.

We see many in the Bible that had someone guiding their lives. Paul was this for many, even for us today, but he was especially a mentor to Timothy. He reminded him to live the life taught to him by his mother and grandmother.

Many of us have had a grandmother that would always speak to us about spiritual things. Ii hope and pray that we are doing the same for those following after us.

Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine and learn from those who follow our example.

Apostle Paul, Philippians 4:17
1 Corinthians 11:1

We were made for fellowship, especially a fellowship that encourages and gives us accountability. This is the definition of a true helper that God spoke about for Adam. (Genesis 2) My daily read in the disciplines encourages me to find these types of people in my life and possibly BE this type of person as well.

Begin to pray that God will lead you to someone with whom you can be open and prayerful about both the efforts and progress in spiritual life. For someone with whom you can begin to be mutually accountable for each other’s journey in faith.

Bob Benson, Disciplines for the Inner Life

Here are a few qualities you might look for in a spiritual friend.


Maturity is an important characteristic here. Possibly, one would not look specifically for physical age here but for someone who is spiritually more mature. When I was young, I would sit right up close in the sanctuary. There were many reasons I did this, but mainly, I wanted to be near those saints that always seemed to get blessed. Yes, I wanted to get near the spout where the glory comes out.

Get close to the spout where the glory comes out. #spiritualexample Share on X


There could be times when someone of the opposite sex would be a great fit for you; however, it is typically better for your accountability person to be of the same sex. This removes any temptation for attraction to fall into the mix. I would suggest that unless this person is your spouse, choose someone of the same sex.


Seek out someone who is confident in experience yet humble in it. The confidence will free you to relax and be vulnerable. The humility will give you room for letting your own confidence rise; you won’t be intimidated by your own sense of spiritual distance. Their humility should display a gentleness and subtly in advising you. Your friend should be a listener, one who can draw the light of the Spirit out of you in your discussions.

pattern your lives after me #spiritualfriends


This is a place where opposites attract. Having a spiritual friend with complementary traits will help you both grow in grace. If you want to get really serious in this area take a personality test. There are several free ones online, such as the enneagram.

Spiritual Path

What area is God calling you into? What are your spiritual gifts? Find someone that will have knowledge and wisdom in this area. Someone for whom you can be an apprentice. They will be attuned to where you should be directing your life and keep your eyes on the goal.

You can have more than one!

You don’t have to find someone that fits all these characteristics. It’s even better to have more than one. Just find them and tap into what they can offer you.

Your Spiritual Friend!

Mandy Farmer

The above post was inspired by the reading of Bob Benson’s Disciplines for the Inner Life and Tikden Edwards’ Spiritual Friend.

And don’t forget to pay it forward.

Look behind you and see who is following you. Then get alongside them and do some encouraging yourself.

You might find a spiritual partner in some authors.

C.S. Lewis

Susie Larson

Tilden Edwards

Elizabeth Elliot

The Preaching of Greg Laurie

About Mandy Farmer

Pastor's Wife (retired) &  Chronic Pain Warrior blogs about how to make it through anything by relating her own life experiences to her writing. She is passionate about her love for the Lord and desires to spread that passion to others. She has a great desire to encourage women who are following behind her.

View all posts by Mandy Farmer

11 Comments on “Five Factors for Choosing a Spiritual Friend”

  1. I like this. And even with choosing friends, we need patience, sometimes we have the right priorities but it may not be time for the right people and when we rush into relationships we may do it for the wrong reasons.

  2. I have felt this is an area where we have failed in the church. We expect people to just mature on their own but we should be coming alongside one another, encouraging each other. Thanks for dropping by, Nicole

  3. Oh wow! Yes indeed. I’m reminded of advice from my father, “Never rush into anything. If it is from God, the opportunity will not go away.”
    Zamy, thanks for coming by.

  4. Great post! I really liked the point about finding a spiritual friend/mentor who has a balance of confidence and humility.
    I love the idea of having an author as a spiritual mentor for one year, a concept I first heard from author John Eldredge. C.S. Lewis and Amy Carmichael are among the mentors I’ve learned the most from.

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