Highways, Bridges, and Grief
Highways can be of all sizes and lengths. Some are two lanes and narrow, even winding up and around, back and forth. Others are straight and wide with several lanes of traffic going in each direction. They can be wide open with just an occasional car or they can be cars, bumper to bumper and side to side. Depending on where you live or grew up you might have a preference for what you like to drive on. I gre up in the country, so country roads are probably to my liking though I have live in cities for a long time and I had become acclimated to driving the busy highways as well.
Just like a road system, our lives have ups and downs, twists and turns. Throw in grief, and you have quite a rollercoaster. I had not experienced grief until recently. Sure, I lost my grandparents in their old age, but the death of a spouse is very different.
Michael and I were like two peas in a pod. We did everything together, were seldom apart, and supported one another in every project we worked on. When that support system is no longer there, you feel as though you have lost your right arm. Everything is much harder. There is no one to bounce ideas off. No one to tell you that you are on the right track or going down a dead-end road. No one to snuggle up against or get a hug from on a bad day.
It’s more than loneliness. There are so many secondary griefs that many do not realize. All those little things that your spouse did and now you must do. It is hard to put into words.
The Feeling of Grief
There is this thing they call “grief gut”. A type of nausea forms in the pit of your stomach that nags at you. It rises and gets stuck in your throat like an enormous lump. Sometimes, you may not notice it much, but other days it is very present and you feel you could vomit. It’s a horrible feeling that appears at the strangest times for no particular reason.
/iHave you ever been to the coast where there are suspension bridges that rise “straight” up into the sky? They are tall to allow the ships to pass through without a drawbridge. Those bridges hit me in the pit of my stomach. Michael used to laugh at me, and he loved teasing me about them. I might close my eyes until we were across, but he would tell me we were over the bridge when, in fact, we were not yet across. But now, there is no closing your eyes because YOU are the one driving!
Rivers and Bridges
Bridges have never been an enjoyable experience for me. Oh, how I wish I could open my eyes and enjoy the view. The small bridges aren’t so bad as long as they are sturdy. But the big ones, I dread. Living in a port city such as Savannah doesn’t help. Here we have the marshes. So there are no routes that take you into town without crossing some kind of bridge. There are interchanges everywhere that go up and curve around to a new road. These interchange bridges rise over the marsh. They cause me to feel like a rock in a slingshot out ready to be flung into the marsh, car and all. The faster we go, the worse the feeling can be. Now that I have to do all the driving, these feelings are even worse.
That’s What Grief Feels like
Grief is like a bridge. It’s everywhere. You may go along, just fine, when suddenly, there is a bridge in front of you. Other times, you see it coming. There is a tall suspension bridge looming ahead of you. The closer you get the larger it seems. You never really know if the grief will be severe or manageable.
Grief rises up before you to the horizon sometimes, large and looming. Other times, it hits you from nowhere and you are holding your breath as you try to be brave and get across.
What Can We Do?
There’s not much you can do. Unfortunately, it will probably be there for the rest of your life. It should get easier to deal with and show up fewer and further between. But you still may never know what may cause it to strike. I saw a description of grief where grief is a ball in a box. At first, the ball is large and takes up the whole box. But as we move forward in life, filling our lives with fresh adventures, the box becomes bigger and though the ball is the same size, grief is not as prevalent in the box.
I found that sometimes, nausea medicines can help or, at least, ease the struggle. Other times, breathing exercises can help calm your nerves.
Here’s a quick basic breathing routine:
1- Breathe in slowly for 4 seconds 2- Hold the breath for 3 seconds 3 – Slowly release the breath over 4 seconds
See more here: Breathing Exercises for Anxiety: 9 Techniques for Stress-Relief
Or check out this video
Check out this Podcast
Read These Books
Breathe: 21 Days to Stress Less and Transform Chaos to Calm
Numbering our Days: Combating Anxiety
How Can I Help My Friend Who Grieves
There isn’t much you can do to ease their pain. The best answer here is to just sit with them. You don’t need to say anything. Just sit.
Give them a shoulder to cry on.
Do not be judgmental. Everyone experiences grief differently. Do not expect that after a certain amount of time, they should not be grieving anymore.
Notice what needs to be done. Do the Laundry, mow the grass. Make sure they have eaten. make the beds, change the linens.
Offer to take them or accompany them to a doctor’s appointment.
That’s enough to get your thoughts going on what is appropriate for you to do.
Other Posts that might interest you
In Search of Resources for Grief
Breaking the Cold, Hard Grip of Grief
Children’s Grief: I Can’t Believe They Are Gone
Pastor’s Wife (retired) & Chronic Pain Warrior blogs about how to make it through anything by relating her own life experiences to her writing. She is passionate about her love for the Lord and desires to spread that passion to others. She has a great desire to encourage women who are following behind her.
I had that same grief gut when each of my parents, and my husband’s parents died. I didn’t know anyone else who had experienced it then, so I thought I was just too sensitive. But when it happened after my two brothers died also, I figured it had to be real, and now I pray for others who are feeling that too. I know the loss of a spouse is much harder tho, so you are in my prayers so much dear sister.