That title is a mouthful, but honestly, it is the truth. Things my husband shouldn’t have eaten, but did. He can be a danger to himself in the refrigerator or snooping around the kitchen. I resorted to labeling most everything in the refrigerator when we were first married.
Back in Wisconsin, I had my own cleaning business. Each year I always made bog biscuits and gave them out my clients with dogs. I also carried them with me when I went out to clean. It came in handy more than once- convincing “ole Fido” I was okay coming into the house.
With the Christmas season quickly approaching I decided to make some homemade dog biscuits. Brad was gone ice-fishing, so it was just Gabby and me at home.
Gabby and I got the ingredients together and made a few batches of dough. Rolled them out and used a dog bone biscuit cookie cutter, to make some really cute dog bones.
Nibble, nibble like a mouse
The morning passed quickly. The biscuits were finished baking in the oven and were drying nicely on the countertop. We decided to whip up some Christmas cookies too. With the Christmas cookies made and finished, we packed them into containers and placed them in the front porch- better known as the deep freeze.
Our last task was to make some white icing for the Christmas cookies, which we would frost later. We left the frosting sitting out to keep soft. Gabby went to watch T.V. and I sat down at the piano plunking out some tunes.
Brad had come home from ice-fishing and was busy unpacking his gear onto the kitchen floor. I just kept playing the piano but kept an ear to the kitchen. As I continued to play the kitchen became very quiet. Then I heard the cupboard doors opening. The sound of a few plates clattering and then being set on the countertop.
As I was finishing my song, I turned to look into the dining room just as Brad rounded the corner into the piano room. Before I could yell, “Brad don’t those are…”, he took a dog biscuit, dipped it into the Christmas cookie frosting and began to loudly crunch upon this “new cookie”.
It could be worse
Brad began to give me a rundown of the “new cookie” pros and cons:
- They were too crunchy.
- They didn’t have enough sugar, tasted a bit like beef.
- Did I really mean to make them dog bone-shaped?
- The frosting really made the cookie!
As he drew up a second dog biscuit to dip, I quickly grabbed the plate and yanked the cookie from his hand. “Brad! Those are DOG BISCUITS! Stopping mid crunch he looked down, then looked at me and continued crunching. After swallowing the bite he said, “Well, I thought it was a little funny that you would make Christmas cookies in the shape of a dog bone. The frosting really helps make up for the beefy flavor.” My husband shouldn’t have eaten them, but he did.
I asked him later if he needed a good scratch behind the ears and told him to stop chasing the cars on East Friesland Road or I would have to tie him up in the backyard.
Vitamins are good for you
It wasn’t but a few months later, once again my husband shouldn’t have eaten half a jar of Gummy Vites, but he did. He had come home from work, changed his clothes and came to hang out in the kitchen.
My back was to him as I was busy cooking items on the stove. I could hear him grab some jar off the counter. He leaned back against the counter and crossed his legs. I heard the twist of a jar, a few gentle shakes and then a handful of something into his mouth.
I assumed he must have a jar of peanuts, as peanuts are his favorite snack. We began a conversation and talked for ten minutes with an occasional pause as he grabbed another mouthful of what he was eating.
Tell me you just didn’t eat that
Finished with my cooking I turned to look at him and to my horror, I saw that he had a Gummy Vite jar and not a peanut jar. He had just brought up another mouthful of Gummy Vite’s and began chewing them.
“Brad!” I yelled. “Stop, stop, stop!” He made a face at me and asked why he had to stop eating the gummy bears. I explained they were NOT gummy bears. They were Gummy Vites- vitamins for children. He stared at me, and then held the jar up and looked at the label.
I told him to turn and spit out whatever was in his mouth. I grabbed the jar. Two hundred forty in a jar and I had just opened it two days ago. The jar is nearing half empty. I closed my eyes. Now what?!
Hello? Poison Control?
Grabbing the phone I pounded the poison control number into the phone. The phone rang and a friendly nurse answered. I started off by saying ” Well, your probably not going to believe this but I am calling for my husband, my husband shouldn’t have but, he just ate half a jar of Gummy Vites- he thought they were gummy bears.” I ended my introduction with a bit of a laugh followed by a sigh. The nurse gave a small chuckled but then got right down to business. She asked for some information off the jar, asked how my husband was doing and then put me on hold to consult the pharmacists.
While on hold, I told Brad to go drink some milk and he dutifully poured a glass of milk and drank it down. The nurse came back on the line and said that because Brad was an adult he would not be poisoned by the Gummy Vites, he could experience an upset stomach or diarrhea. In twenty-four hours they should pass completely through his body. He should not take any of his personal vitamins.
Well, of course, he shouldn’t take any of HIS personal vitamins, he probably ate 2 weeks worth in 10 minutes. Bradley! He stood laughing as I thanked the nurse and hung up.
Michele Bruxvoort is sure to draw you in with her delightful sense of humor and love for living life. She enjoys reading, repurposing, as well as remodeling the family home with her husband. Drawing from her life experience as wife, mom, and follower of Jesus, Michele brings you a very honest and real perspective on life. When you don’t find her writing, you can find her mowing lawns, stocking shelves, taking care of her grandbaby and tackling her latest life adventure.
Wisconsin native and empty-nester, she now makes her home with her husband of 27 years in the South West Prairie plains of Minnesota.