It’s time for another Letter to Friends! Right after diagnosis, is probably the best time to share with your friends about fibromyalgia and how it affects you. Mainly because our world is so fast-paced, people will quickly forget that you have a health issue at all, especially when it comes to fibro and chronic pain. When we are seen in public, most people see a healthy person and never think twice about it. Others may ask, “how you are doing?”
I recently came in contact with Kate Straus through chronic illness communities. She worked in the education field for over ten years before fibromyalgia changed her life’s path. With a background in special education and early childhood intervention, she has compiled a toolbox of skills to help those with differences navigate life to make them the best that they can be.
Kate has learned, herself, that while fibromyalgia can be an obstacle, it has also revealed strengths that she did not know she had. She is easy to work with, listens well, and is compassionate. She is now a certified fibromyalgia coach helping those with fibromyalgia adjust to their new life.
Today, she has offered a letter that she wrote previously to friends and family to help them understand the struggles she faces with fibromyalgia. I invite you to continue reading to understand more fully challenges we, as fibro warriors, face.
Dear mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, son, daughter, friend, co-worker,
In speaking to a close friend recently, I realize that this letter isn’t just important, but crucial. I need to share some important information: Chronic pain is not a choice, it’s not enjoyable, and it’s not faked. Whether it’s LYME, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Multiple Sclerosis, Fibromyalgia, Myofascial Pain Syndrome, Lupus or any of the other disorders and diseases that cause chronic pain. According to the Mayo Clinic:
“Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals”.Mayo Clinic
We are not looking for pity, and for those that are lucky enough not to deal with chronic pain, we don’t even require understanding. What we do ask for is respect. Respect that our pain is real, that the side effects of our pain, and the medications we take for our pain are real.
“How are you?” is a loaded question.
Do you want the answer that is given so that you don’t have to hear the whole *sordid* story; or, do you really want to know how we are doing? Because, we, as chronic pain sufferers, are phenomenal actors and actresses. I believe we should win awards for our “I am fine” answer. When we talk to others who suffer from chronic pain, we ask about each other and give a number from 1-10, in terms of the level of pain, with 1 being low and 10 being out of control. I’ve been lucky to have some friends catch onto that and ask me with the rating.
I guess what we want you to know is that our fine is usually different from your fine. Chronic pain means just that. Hardly a day goes by without some level of pain; however, we do have some days that are better than others. But, just because we “look good”, doesn’t mean we are ready to tackle a marathon or swim from Cuba to Florida (as one fellow “fibromite” made news – a clear exception to the rule – my mother is waiting for my turn to do the swim – just for clarification, I’ve NEVER been a good swimmer). Some of us are lucky enough to deal with low pain, and some of us are in so much pain, we require aids to help us walk (i.e. canes, walkers, wheelchairs).
Pain Affects Every Part of Your Body
Pain affects every functioning part of your body: physical, emotional, psychological, and sensorial. It affects your sleep, often causing disordered sleep. Some can’t seem to get enough sleep and some actually aren’t getting enough sleep.
It causes depression and anxiety.
It affects all five senses. Because you are in persistent pain, it’s difficult to exercise, whether it be gentle movement or anything at all, on some days.
It affects your ability to focus. For me, to be able to sit still is nearly impossible. If I’m watching TV, I’m also playing a game on my computer and texting with a friend. If I am reading, sometimes I need to re-read a paragraph over and over again. Some of us lose time. I am not referring to blackouts, per se; however, for me, I will stare off for what seems like moments, and its 20-30 minutes later.
We can be forgetful and have what’s called “brain fog”. It literally feels like there is a haze around your thoughts. It’s as if you have to wade through pea soup to be able to complete simple tasks. Honestly, sometimes I would prefer the pain to the fog.
Up until a few years ago, people were fascinated by my ability to remember things. My long-term memory still stands strong; however, my short-term memory has become quite weak. I try to play puzzle and quiz games to strengthen this present weakness.
My chronic pain diagnoses are fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Interestingly enough, these are two disorders that my father researched over 30 years ago. There are many overlapping characteristics that fall within these two disorders. I am lucky and grateful that I have had a friend introduce me to support groups (all online) which in turn have brought me more friends that *get* me. It’s nice to be understood in that respect.
Ask me Anything
I am open, as are most of my friends, in talking about our chronic pain disorders. Please feel free to ask me any questions you’d like about either of these two disorders. I can tell you how I feel, and if I don’t have answers to other questions you might have, I have places to direct you.
… not a comprehensive list
Just please understand that chronic pain illnesses are often thought of as “invisible illnesses” because you can’t see a visible reason for the pain. This doesn’t mean we aren’t hurting. So, the next time you see someone that you know has a chronic pain disorder, or you see someone walking out of a car in a disabled parking spot with seemingly no difficulty, please don’t judge. Don’t assume.And for goodness sake, please don’t ever say, “But, you don’t look sick.” Click To Tweet
Certified Fibromyalgia Advisor
Thank you, Kate, for these words of wisdom.
Readers, if you are a fibro warrior and need some life coaching to adjust to your new different life. You might like to contact Kate for that assistance. She is certified to help you. Learn more about her at her own website, Spoons to Share Don’t miss any of the “letters” we are writing. Check out previous letters and subscribe to this series on the main “Letters to Friends” page. If you know someone with fibromyalgia (and you probably do), join my Facebook page Fibromyalgia, Is it For Real?