How to Be the Perfect Pastor’s Wife

pastor's Wife

Becoming a pastor’s wife is a very daunting event for some of us.

I became a pastor’s wife at the age of 28. Unlike most pastors’ wives, I did not meet my husband at college while he prepared for ministry. We didn’t date and plan our lives together to become pastor and wife. I met my husband AFTER he had already been in the pastorate for 14 years.

We were introduced by my own pastor’s wife.

You see, Michael lost his wife and daughter in a car accident. My pastor’s wife decided that he needed a new wife AND that I was her!

In short, she pestered me until I finally agreed to go to her hometown and meet this minister. I figured I would go and she would quit bothering me about it. She did …

Four months later, we heard wedding bells!

As a result,  I had many, many things running through my mind during those short months. Thank the Lord, Charlotte didn’t leave me to my own defenses. She sat me down and gave me a few words of advice to help me transition from laymen into the pastor’s wife.

Charlotte’s advice has been very helpful over the years, so I want to share it with you.


It’s easy to get this glorious picture of a wonderful pastor’s wife. All these lofty ideals out there tell us that as a pastor’s wife we need to look and act in a certain way; however, God has already built-in you the perfect pastor’s wife.

You may have a pastor’s wife in your life that you desire to imitate, and it is good to have these aspirations. But those qualities seen in that person are not the same qualities that God has instilled in you. You must use the gifts and talents that God has placed in you.

If you attempt to be a reflection of her, you will live in frustration.  You must only attempt to reflect God’s image. I look up to my pastor’s wife, Charlotte. She is an amazing woman with joy that I have never seen in anyone else. But I can’t exude joyfulness, like Charlotte. I have to allow the characteristics God has given to me to shine through my life.

Possibly, you know a pastor’s wife that is a wonderful speaker who stands up and speaks with eloquence side by side with her husband. But if you are not a speaker, you will find yourself in total frustration if you take this on as an expectation for yourself. Find your own way.

Find your own passion and follow it. It could be that you best compliment your husband by going to work and being a bread-winner. You may find that you are a behind-the-scenes person or a prayer warrior supporting your husband quietly from the rear. Any of these personalities make an awesome pastor’s wife.

The perfect pastor's wife is already created inside you. #pastorswife Share on X

Additionally, don’t let your congregation put their expectations of a pastor’s wife on you. At our first pastorate together, the people told me that the pastor’s wife had always taught the senior adult Sunday School class. Being a children’s worker, this scared me out of my mind. My quick response, “Well, not anymore!”

Also remember, It’s Not All “Eating Bon-Bons Like a Princess”

It’s more like what Forest Gump says,

“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get.”

Forest Gump

At times, we can get in our heads that certain professions are just smooth riding. All glamour and no nitty-gritty. Every lifestyle has its ups and downs. It’s good and bad. It benefits and disadvantages.

At the outset of ministry, there is great excitement about leading people to Christ and encouraging people to live a life close to God. But then, reality will set in. Tough times will come. And they will come sooner than later.

The scripture records that believers should expect to have trouble. (John 16:33) What I’m driving at is that we need to prepare for the worst and be surprised by the best. Like choosing that piece of chocolate from the box. You may get a creamy, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate truffle, or you may get a mouth full of coconut. Be ready for both!

In ministry, be ready for the worst and surprised by the best! #pastorswife Share on X

And Finally, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.

In the end, it’s all small stuff. As in life everywhere, stuff happens. And to put it bluntly, “Get over it!”

Every moment that we are sulking because someone hurt our feelings is a moment that God cannot use us for the kingdom. Share on X

 Trust me on this one, my friend. Someone WILL say something derogatory about your kids, your husband or YOU. Don’t wear your feelings on your sleeve, they will only get crushed.

Consider the source and whether or not there is truth to be found. If there is truth there, accept it and correct it, if possible. If there is no truth, then brush it off. Maybe the person was having a bad day/week/month/year. Most of the time in life, a bully is hiding their own painful truth. Reach out to them in love and see what happens.

In conclusion, just remember that attitude makes all the difference. Meet with God at the beginning of each day. Take Him with you on your journey. He’ll work out the details.

Becoming Perfect In Him,


About Mandy Farmer

Pastor's Wife (retired) &  Chronic Pain Warrior blogs about how to make it through anything by relating her own life experiences to her writing. She is passionate about her love for the Lord and desires to spread that passion to others. She has a great desire to encourage women who are following behind her.

View all posts by Mandy Farmer

17 Comments on “How to Be the Perfect Pastor’s Wife”

  1. GG oh my. Absolutely love this. I have been an associate pastor’s wife. Eeeeew! Such truths. Love your tweets and shared the one about every moment we are sulking.

  2. Love that Forrest Gump line. So so true. I’m going to share your series with my friends who are pastors wives (or even husbands for that matter)

  3. Thank you. I understand that the associates are even less appreciated and struggle to find their place. Blessing to you and your husband.
    Thanks for dropping by.

  4. awesome. I hope that it will be good for men and women, but most of my followers are women. And I imagine most of what I write will lean that way. Going to get my hubby to write something too.
    Thanks for dropping by.
    Are you signed up for the newsletter? Should have received an e-mail tonight

  5. These are such helpful thoughts! My husband was a Children’s Pastor early on for several years, and then we traveled as a family sharing Biblical Dramas with churches, and were active as elders after that. This is a great series that you are offering, and will be such a blessing to so many! I’m happy to be your neighbor over at the #Write31Days link-up spot: I’m in the #107 slot! –Blessings to you!

  6. I’m a Pastor’s wife too. Great advise! I especially like the one about not wasting time sulking and having thicker skin. I have not had this happen to me, but I know several other Pastor’s wives who were hurt at their last church, so they are very guarded, and don’t want to be involved in any ministry or get to know anybody at their next church.

  7. It’s one of Satan favorite tools of the trade, distrust. We must let it go and move on in order to reach the reachable.
    Thanks for dropping by.

  8. I’m a pastor’s wife, and I love all of this advice! Best of all, be yourself. It’s one thing to say it, but not as easy to do sometimes. I’ve been fortunate to be in wonderful congregations that have loved and supported me for who I am.

  9. You’re right, the hardest part of being ourself is our own high standards and ideas of what we should be. Its a constant struggle to not put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. Thankfully, our congregations have been supportive of me in whatever areas I felt lead to serve or not.
    Thanks for dropping by.

  10. You’ve got some great advice! I think the same advice can be applied to a principal’s wife (like me; who lives in a fishbowl at a boarding school 😉 ).

  11. I am also a pastor’s wife, and this is such excellent advice…I learned these things the hard way:) Blessings to you as you give so much to so many! And I’m honored that you are sharing on Fresh Market Friday! Love your blog title, and your posts fit so well in the link-up:) Crystal~

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